Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Don't Let Your Children Dress Like Hobos!

My parents never spent money on Halloween costumes.  Instead of the nice, shiny princess or star wars costumes from the store, the three of us "creatively" wore whatever was handy.  For three years in a row, long after they didn't fit, we wore hand sewn clown costumes.  Never mind that I was terrified of clowns or by the third year, I had grown so much that it looked like I was preparing for a flood.  I can still feel my ankles quiver.

That costume, however, was nice compared to others I have worn.  One year I was a robot and the costume was purchased at a garage sale.  Don't get me wrong, I love garage sales, but my mother didn't bother checking if the costume was still intact. As I was trick or treating, nuts and bolts began falling off.  I looked like a walking trash heap, instead of a robot.  sigh

I know what you are thinking, those costumes were pretty bad.  How could it get any worse?  While I could blame the other failures on frugality or lack of creativity, but it has taken years of therapy to forgive my parents for the next one.  I told my parents I wanted to be a princess.  I wanted a store bought costume and I was tired of being made fun of on Halloween night.  Hoping this would get me a beautiful store bought costume, I was looking forward to Halloween.  I should have know better when my mother came home with pink hair dye and a sparkly hat.  (The story gets worse)

I wasn't a princess that year, or any year for that matter.  My parent's sprayed a little pink dye in my hair, put on the sparkly hat and made me wear one of my father's old, smelly, flannel rag (I mean shirt) for trick or treating.  Apparently, I was suppose to be a "punk rocker."  I know, every eight year old's dream right?

While it was obvious to my parents that I was a "punk rocker," the rest of the neighborhood (both children and adults) kept asking me if I was either a hobo or wino.  Why any adult would think that a parent would purposely dress their child as a wino is beyond me?  But there I was, an eight year old who looked like a cross between a white, female, eight year old version of the rapper "Flavor Flav" and a druggie looking for her next hit.  The worse part was, I had no idea what a wino or hobo was.

Why am I telling you this?  I don't want you to make the same mistakes my parents did.  I have done the thinking for you.  There is no reason to be mistaken for a wino, instead you can dress as an historical figure going as another famous person.  While it may confuse people and you won't win any awards, at least you won't be mistaken for a drug addict.


Thomas Jefferson wasn't a big fan of kings, just read the "Declaration of Independence."  However, he would make a dashing Charles II at any Halloween party.  Both Jefferson and Charles had plenty of illegitimate children.  To pull this off, you must have a powdered wig and a copy of the "Declaration of Independence."


Think how you'll stand out as the lovely Anne Boleyn dressed as Hillary Clinton.  They were both ambitious women:  Anne became queen and Hillary was basically president.  Some of Anne's biographers claimed she had a sixth finger, so don't forget to add an extra one to your hand.


Remember the good old days when singers dressed up.  Well Henry VIII, dressed as one of Herman's Hermits will make any girl swoon.  Break out the karaoke machine, Henry just might sing "I'm Henry the VIII, I AM!" 


Don't worry I didn't forget the kids.  Imagine your neighbor's delight when they see your little dolphin dressed as the Dauphin of France.  Before Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette got their heads cut off, the heir to the throne was called the dauphin.  Granted women were never allowed to inherit the throne, but this is the 21st century!

Hopefully I have given you some wonderful ideas for Halloween costumes.  Remember:  Friends don't let friends dress like winos!

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